furi.blog

I don’t know how to express myself, but I know that this is not a cry for help. I have an excellent therapist I see twice a week and I’m working on taking additional steps to get the care I need.

Here is the thing:

I am rotting from inside out.

I feel hollowed out and I see that I have almost completely stopped functioning, even at a basic level.

I feel like a broken robot. All my parts are here. They seem to be attached. My arms, legs, hands, head, torso, and feet. It’s all here and connected in a way that seems to make sense.

But I can’t get them to move.

I have lost the ability to will my broken robot body into action. No matter how much I try, even if somehow I manage to firmly set the intention, gather together what I need, and assume the physical position to do the task, I can’t. It’s not because I am lazy. I am afraid. I am paralyzed. I am terrified of being present. I am terrified of allowing myself to hear my inner thoughts. My own head is a terrifying and unsafe place to be in.

You know how, when you have a virus in your computer, sometimes it becomes necessary to boot or start up your system in “safe mode”? With only the bare minimum of system processes allowed to run on your device? That is how I live my life these days.

There is no longer any room or energy to engage in hobbies. No joy. No learning or creating or being productive. Only doing what must be done. Washing the dirt off of my flesh body. Brushing my teeth when I can’t stand the feeling and smell anymore. Brushing my hair when it becomes one solid clump. Making easy meals. Going through the motions of putting food and water into my body.

How is this any sort of life worth living?

I had such dreams and wishes and hopes…

I loved to learn and grow and create…

But now, I am just a broken mind trapped inside a broken robot body. And it takes a mountain of effort to get any of my parts to move at all, because there is some sort of programming error or something in me that causes me to rot from the inside out, and I can’t seem to stop this mental decomposition from happening.

I’m still trying, but I am full of despair.

I hope you are well.